Miss Brightside
by thisbridgeismine
Summary: It started off with a smile.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: If I did, I wouldn't be here.

A/N: All mistakes are mine. I do realize that the excessive use of pronouns can be confusing but it was done purposefully.

* * *

It started off with a smile. She was there at one of my swim meets sitting with Hanna. Even though Hanna and I didn't really talk anymore she showed up to each and every one of my meets. They both look like they didn't belong there instead they should be at a fashion show. After the race I turn to Hanna giving her a small smile and a wave. Then I turn to her. She gives me a shy smile which I return trying to ignore the fluttering in my stomach.

* * *

Another typical teenage party but I don't want to be in there. Instead I find myself sitting outside on the steps of the porch.

"So how come you're not in there?" She asks as she sits next to me.

"Would you believe me if I told you that this isn't my scene?" I tell her half honestly. Truth is Ben is being an ass again, pushing me for sex and I'm not ready yet. I don't think I'll ever be.

"Jock girl and beautiful, I almost find it hard to believe but I do." She smiles in a teasing way making me blush.

I look at her seeing the sincerity in her eyes, "What about you? I don't mean to be stereotypical but that does seem like your scene, you and Hanna are the 'it' girls." I tell her while motioning back to the house with blaring music.

She scoots a little closer to me before replying, "Would you believe me if I told you that this isn't my scene." I smile at her response. She smiles for a second before the smiles leave her face. "It's expected of me to show up but after a while it gets really old." I know about that, expectations. Needing to live up to them and wanting nothing more than to just break away from them. "I'd much rather be at home reading a book." She says honestly as we face each other. I stare at her plump lips wanting nothing more than to feel them against my lips.

She obviously feels the same pull because next thing I know our lips meet in a sweet and tender kiss. That was our first kiss and it wouldn't be our last.

* * *

I don't know what I expected to happen after that. But I know that I did not expect her to continue to look for me. The next time we met was after swim practice. I was the last one to leave the locker room and before I could leave she came in.

"Hey." She says nervously.

"Hi." I reply back just as nervous while playing with my hands.

"I was wondering if we could talk, about what happen at the party." If I wasn't so scared and nervous I would tell her how beautiful she is and how cute she looks when she's fidgeting.

"I'm sorry about that, I shouldn't have kissed you and I promise I'll never do it again." It all comes out of my mouth so quickly that I wonder if she understood me.

She steps closer to me grabbing my hand gently. "What if I want you to kiss me again?" She whispers. She closes the distance between us, pressing our lips together. She puts her hands around my neck pulling me closer.

That's the day it became a pact. It was left unsaid but it was clear that what we had was purely physical and it would be a secret. I would still be with Ben and she could date anyone she wanted. But it wouldn't stay purely physical. Things like this get messy when emotions get involved.

* * *

When Maya came she helped me break out of my shell. I could tell that _she_ was jealous of my friendship with Maya but we weren't exclusive. Maya helped me come to terms with who I was. By that point I was so tired of hiding, of Ben that when A pushed me out of the closet it was almost a relief. But that only complicated things more between us. I wasn't willing to hide anymore so I broke up with Ben but she still wasn't ready. I was okay with that but when she started going out with Noel I broke it off. I couldn't stand the sight of seeing them together.

"I don't think this is going to work out." I tell her sitting up from her bed.

"What do you mean?" She sits up pulling the sheets around her body.

"This. Us. I want you, just you. Not Noel." I stand up and start looking for my clothes while putting them on.

"Honey he means nothing to me. He's just a cover. It's expected of me."

"It hurts to see you with him. I want to be the one that holds your hand in front of everyone. That can kiss you. I don't want to live behind closed doors." I say with a sigh. "Aren't you tired of living up to other's expectations?" She stares at me blankly, she doesn't reply. "I want someone who will give herself completely to me. I don't want to share with someone else." I walk out with a heavy heart wanting nothing more than for her to tell me that she'll leave Noel and that she wants to be with me, only me.

* * *

After that I decided that I needed to forget her, to get her out of my mind and heart. I decided to go out with Maya, with her I could have all I wanted in a relationship. But that was the problem she wasn't _her_. I find myself comparing them all the time. When we held hands all I could think was that _her_ hands were much softer. I missed_ her_.

Eventually I got to the point where it didn't hurt as much and I could enjoy myself with Maya. But the happiness didn't last long. Maya got sent away and I was lonely once again. I went to the dance alone and I had to see her dance with Noel. I got drunk that night. Hanna comforted me thinking it was about Maya not knowing that the person I missed was just inside the building.

"I need to call her." I told Hanna while scrolling through my phone.

"No," she says grabbing my phone, "Good friends don't let friends dial drunk."

Once she left thinking that I was asleep, I snuck out. I need to see her. In a drunken haze I manage to get to her house. I stare at her through her window; she's changing and walking around her room in her bra and panties. I knock on the window. She's shocked but after quickly putting on a shirt she lets me in.

"What are you doing here?" She wraps her arms around herself and I can't help but notice her legs. I feel my body ache with desire.

"I... I don't know." I close the distant between us, placing my lips on her. I expect her to push me away but instead she pulls me closer.

The rest of the night is a blurry mess. Our clothes cover the floor as our bodies gave in to desire. I don't regret it but I know that I can't stay. So that morning before she wakes I leave.

* * *

When I started... whatever I had with Paige, I wasn't thinking straight. I was unhappy and looking for a distraction. But when I realized that it was basically the same thing, we were hiding, I broke it off. It came with a relief; I couldn't keep on pretending that I had feelings for her. But I felt more disappointment at the thought that I would never be able to move on.

* * *

With Samara things were different. It was sort of like being with Maya again. I didn't have to hide. What I loved about her was that she looked completely different from _her_. Her blue eyes and blonde hair kept me distracted. I truly enjoyed my time with her, she made me happy.

When my mom told me that we were moving, _she_ was the first thought that came to my mind, I wouldn't be able to see her anymore. Through a lie A managed to get me to stay.

That ensured my relationship with Samara but that only lasted for so long before A ruined that as well. Without Samara there I found myself staring at _her_ again. I found myself thinking about our last night together. The feeling of her skin on mine, our limbs tangled, her lips all over my body making my skin feel like it was on fire. I realized that it was good that things ended with Samara because I was still in love with someone else, _her_.

* * *

At times I was grateful that we weren't together because I feared that A would start to target her as well. But we couldn't keep away from each other. When I got my ulcer and I was at the hospital she sent me gifts every day. Flowers or teddy bears the message was clear even if she still was with Noel I knew that she still loved me.

Regardless of the situation we couldn't stay away from each other.

* * *

When Hanna mentioned that Noel had broken up with her, I couldn't help but feel joy. Maybe now she was ready. Maybe we still had a chance to be together. I knew I had to talk to her. With my mind set I went to her house.

"What are you doing here?" She asks despondently.

I don't question her mood or beat around the bush I just need to know. "I heard you broke up with Noel."

She glares at me before replying, "You heard wrong, he broke up with me." The implications of her words cut me and I realize I should have never come here. It's this moment that I feel like I never meant anything to her. Holding back the tears I turn to leave but she grabs me by the arm stopping me.

"I couldn't sleep with him. I kept thinking of you." She tells me in a broken voice. I turn around to face her, this times the tears do leave my eyes. She places her hand on my face softly caressing it. Her lips crash into mine as she pushes me against the door. I relish in the feeling of her hands on my body. I find it hard to believe I could spend so much time without her touch. It's like I'm addicted to her and I can't stay away. This time I stay enjoying the feeling of having her in my arms. When I wake up, she's gone and all that is left of her is a note.

_I love you but I can't._

Seeing the note I feel used and I wonder if this is how she felt all those time I left her alone in this bed. I feel angry and tired that I can't seem to forget her.

After that night, I choose to ignore her. I choose to move on and when Maya returns I find it a perfect opportunity. We begin to date again. I sleep with her. It's not love, it's just sex. And afterwards I feel horrible. I feel sick to the stomach and my heart hurts. I feel like I have betrayed _her_. I regret it.

* * *

"Run away with me?" Maya asks me desperately.

The offer sounds so tempting. I would finally be rid of A. But the offer is coming from the wrong person. I still can't forget _her_. As much as I want to, I can't leave. I know that _she_ loves me and some part of me hopes there will be a day when we can be together. Maya leaves. I head back to the party to see _her _talking to some guy on the football team. Not bothering to hide the hurt from my face I head to my room ignoring all the drunken teenagers.

This time she's the one that comes looking for me.

"Where's your boyfriend?" I ask her bitterly.

"He's not my boyfriend." She answers quickly. She hesitates for a second but she sits next to me. "Where's your girlfriend?" She asks back with a hint of jealousy.

"She left." I hate that even when I'm mad, when I want to hate her, I still want her. It's like my body is programmed for her.

"You know I love you right?" She grabs my hand and I fight the urge to both pull back and hold her hand tightly.

"What's the point, I'm not good enough for you anyway." I frown at the thought that I'll always be her dirty little secret.

With a sigh she responds, "You're too good for me."

"Why do you care so much what people think anyways?" I know I did too and not that long ago but I think love is worth the risk.

"I don't. Not anymore." She says with a pained expression.

I stare at her in confusion, "Then why won't you go out with me?"

"I would only end up hurting you. More than I already have." She begins to cry and that is enough to break my anger.

"Please don't cry." I whisper to her as I hold her against my chest. We make love that night. It's slow and passionate and I thank the heavens that Hanna or someone else didn't walk in on us. Later we both walk out together not holding hands or anything but for once I feel a bit optimistic. I feel like there is hope for us.

* * *

When I hear about Maya's disappearance I feel guilty and all I can do is hope that she is okay. My mind keeps wandering to _her_. Things are unclear between us but for once they aren't strained. I debate asking her to the masquerade ball but decide against it, especially if A is going to be there.

* * *

When I heard her voice on Hanna's phone, my body froze. Her voice sounded so cold. That wasn't the voice of the girl I love. That had to be someone else. She would never betray me like that, she loves me. We sit in silence as Hanna drives. My mind is racing as I look at Hanna's torn face. I'm not the only one that is suffering from this betrayal but at least she wasn't in love or sleeping with her. When I see her get out of the car and chase Spencer my heart stops, the look on her face scares me. It's full of anger. It's the face of someone I don't know.

"Hanna stop!" I scream when I see Hanna heading straight for her. I'm faintly aware of Aria screaming at Hanna to stop as well. The tires screech to a stop, just inches away from her. The next moments feel like they happen in slow motion. I see her struggle with Spencer and fall down. I start to cry at the thought that I have lost her but when the cops say that she is alive I begin to cry again feeling my heart pound with relief, I don't want her dead and as confused as I am, I still love her.

* * *

The night only gets worse when I decide to go home and my mom tells me that Maya's dead. I may not have loved her but I cared for her. She helped me be comfortable with who I am. That night as my friends embraced me I cried for the two people that I lost. I was torn between hating her, the hurt of her betrayal and still loving her, remembering her sweet and caring nature.

But I couldn't stay like this, I needed answers. I waited until finally I was allowed to visit her at Radley.

I walk into her room not bothering to knock or greet her. Her eyes look lifeless, her usually straight her is messy and wavy. She's dressed in a plain white robe. This isn't the girl I use to know. But what scares me is that I wonder if that girl ever existed.

"I was wondering when you were going to come by." Her voice is devoid of emotion.

I take a seat on a nearby chair just watching her. Regardless of her appearance, I still think she is beautiful.

"I'm pretty sure you have a lot of questions, so ask away." She says without a care.

I pause for a second, observing her, hoping to see a hint of guilt or regret but I don't. "Why?"

"Revenge." She answers like she has rehearsed this, like she was expecting it.

"Did you kill her?" I ask her, fearing her answer. At one point I would have never thought the she was capable of doing such a thing but now that I know that she is A its different.

"She should have never touched what is mine." She practically growls, her eyes filled with hate.

I start to cry knowing that this isn't the girl I fell in love with. "I loved you." I tell her, my voice cracking.

"And you still do. You're mine Emily. No one else can have you. No one else will love you like I do." She stands up and tries to kiss me but I push her away. For a second I see a flash of hurt cross her face but it is quickly replaced with anger.

"I don't want anyone else to love me like you did. I'm not yours, you already lost me. I don't love you anymore." I tell her icily but inside I'm breaking. "You don't do love, you deceive and you destroy." I walk out and never look back. I don't tell anyone about what we had, because to me it never happened.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: If I did, I wouldn't be here.

A/N: All mistakes are mine.

* * *

The summer following Maya's death, I spent getting completely wasted. I had no regard over my health all I knew was that I didn't want to think or feel anything. I didn't want to feel guilt over Maya's death. I didn't want to question if what I had with _her_ was real.

I ignore the concerned looks from my friends as I fell into self-destructive habits. It was Hanna that took me home at two in the morning when I was too intoxicated to drive. She tried to take care of me but I didn't want to be helped. My recklessness eventually led to a blackout and an empty grave.

* * *

After the night that I found myself on Allie's grave I knew that _she_ was still out there, immersed in our lives, whether it was physically or not I didn't know but I knew I wanted to hurt her like she hurt me. So I started to date Paige again. I wanted to prove to her that I didn't belong to or needed her anymore.

* * *

When Nate came into town I found a friend in him. He was a guy and somehow it was easy to just be around him and not have to think about _her_ or Paige. Paige, who I was still dating but felt nothing for except guilt at the lovesick puppy looks she gave me.

When I kissed Nate I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe it was the lack of luck I was having with women. Maybe I just wanted t experiment with the opposite sex considering all the trouble that being gay has brought me. What I did know was that just like with Paige I felt nothing for him. But my mistake, my imprudence almost cost me the life of Paige, Caleb and I.

* * *

_You have one minute. Get out!_

Even though the voice was distorted in my mind there could only be one person, _she_ was still trying to help and I couldn't understand why.

That night I felt horrible, I had taken away someone's life and no matter how much he deserved it. All I could see in my head was the look of pure terror on Paige's face and the blood all over Caleb and Nate. Seeing the look of pain on Hanna's face made the guilt worse. I wanted to comfort her and needed to be comforted as well and for once I didn't think of _her_.

"I need to see my friends." I whispered to the cop who had been questioning me for the past few minutes.

I run towards my best friend, ignoring the officer's protest and insistence on taking my statement, and envelop her in a hug. I bury my face in her blonde hair as we both silently cry and for the first time in a long time I manage to feel safe, something I had thought I would never feel again.

* * *

After the incident with Nate I broke up with Paige. I couldn't keep putting more people in danger. I didn't love Paige but I didn't want to hurt her by playing with her and risking her life. Caleb decided to move with his mother once he was cleared from the hospital. I was left alone and Hanna was left with a broken heart.

* * *

The events of the _death_ of Lyndon James somehow manage to push us more together and when Hanna asks me to be her "date" to the Halloween train I agree.

When _she_ kissed me on the train I knew it was her. I could never forget her lips. I kissed her back for a second before pushing her away. Before I could reach out for her mask, she was gone, lost in a sea of disguised bodies. I was left feeling empty. My feelings were left in a jumbled mess as I made my way towards my "date".

"Some asshole in a white mask just grabbed my ass. That's why I asked you to be my date Emily, so that I don't get molested."

"I'm sorry." I reply absentmindedly.

"Is everything okay?" She asks me with worry in her voice.

"I think Mona is on this train. Wait a white mask?" I stare intently at her as she nods and realization hits her.

"That was her." She whispers as I nod in confirmation.

That was the first night I kissed Hanna. I could feel _her_ staring at me as I danced with the blonde and I wanted to hurt _her,_ I wanted revenge. What I didn't expect was to enjoy the kiss so much, the softness of her lips and the gentle way she responded back. But there was no time to discuss my impromptu kiss before shit started to go down.

By the time the train ride is over we are all in a mess. Aria is a nervous wreck and with the body of Alison being found again the night feels dreadful. But I knew I had a lot of explaining to do so I went home with Hanna ready to explain everything to her.

* * *

That night we became closer than before, to say she was surprised to find out that I had been dating one of her best friends was an understatement. She was pissed that I had kept it a secret but eventually she came around.

I apologized for kissing her taking notice of the light blush that covered her usually white cheeks and she forgave when I gave her my motives.

* * *

It wasn't long after that that Mona was let out and back at Rosewood High. Back into our lives, not that she ever really left. The smiles she would sent me in the hallways still cause a sensation in my stomach only this time it was uncomfortable, unwelcomed. But I was determined to not let her win.

"I know you still think about me. You'll always belong to me." _She_ surprises me in the hallway one day/

I feel a pair of arms wrap themselves around my waist, "She belongs to no one." I turn to stare at the blue orbs of my friend as she smiles and kisses me on the cheek, "And she is free to love who ever she wants."

With a heated glare _she_ turns on her heels and leaves.

"Thanks." I tell Hanna as she disentangles herself from me with a soft smile.

"No problem. You know that I am willing to help anyway I can."

"Well in that case the swim team is going to have a get together in the woods this weekend and I was wondering if you would go with me?"

"Are you asking me out on a date?" She teases me, a playful smirk gracing her lips.

"No! I mean I can't go alone, my parents are being really paranoid right now," I start to explain. "Not that I wouldn't want to go out with you. I'll just shut up now." I finish blushing.

"Relax Em, I'll go with you." She smiles causing a welcomed fluttering in my stomach.

We never did make it to the campsite. A stop due to Hanna complaining for half an hour that she was going to pee in my car ended with four slashed tires. I could only guess who did it. _She_ was probably still angered over the kiss. When Hanna got hurt at the fake interview it only helped add evidence to my theory.

* * *

But _she_ wasn't our only problem, there was also crazy Meredith getting us locked into a basement with Aria. Luckily nobody got hurt but it seemed to me that bad luck and death were following me. Allison, Maya, Nate were gone and Paige almost died. So many accidents surrounded me. With _her_ possessive and violent streak it was in Hanna's best interest for me to back off.

But she refused to let me push her away and that was when she first kissed me.

"Why are you ignoring me?" She questions me, her frustration evident.

"I'm not ignoring you." I answer her not meeting her eyes.

With a huff in annoyance she responds, "Okay then why are you deliberately choosing not to answer my calls or texts?"

"Hanna…" I protest weakly.

"I want the truth." Her tone is stern.

With a sigh I give in, "I'm trying to protect you."

"From who,_ her_? Newsflash Em, I was never safe from her, I've always been a target. So, stop pushing me away."

"I'm sor-" I never got to apologize before she surprises me by pressing her lips against mine. By the time our lips parted all I could do was smile like an idiot letting the feeling of joy consume me.

* * *

Our relationship did not come as a surprise to our friends apparently they had always thought something was going on between us. They were supporting of us.

Finding out that Toby was helping _her_ out was a slap to the face, almost as bad as the first time. I couldn't believe it, I refused to believe it. That would be two close people to me and if I couldn't trust one of my closest friends then I didn't know who I could trust. I was in denial, searching for answers that lead to dead ends. I refused to be weak and the strength came in the blonde bubbly form of my girlfriend. She became my motivation to get through this whole ordeal.

When Spencer joined the A team I was scared that I had lost another person but we were able to find out her true plans and Toby's innocence. We quickly devised a plan to figure out who red coat is.

* * *

"I'm glad to have you all here tonight, especially you Emily." She looks at me with contempt as she swings a wooden bat back in forth in one hand. "I am going to enjoy this, it'll teach you to never betray me."

"What is she talking about Em?" Spencer questions me as I look at Aria's wide eyes.

_She_ turns to me with mock surprise. "So you haven't told them?" I feel Hanna's hand slip into mine giving it a gentle squeeze.

"You see innocent little Emily here," she points the bat at me, "was fucking your worst enemy last year… that enemy being me. And let me tell you it felt so good to have her under me while I was torturing her best friends."

I feel hands hand grip mine tightly in anger.

"Em is that true?" Aria asks me apprehensively. I can only nod as I stare at the hand holding mine, afraid to see disappointment or possible rejection in the eyes of my friends.

"Emily, why didn't you tell us?" Spencer asks me calmly but I can see the hurt behind her eyes.

Before I can answer her, _she _begins to laugh cynically. "Really Spencer, are you forgetting that you did the same thing with Toby?"

Spencer remains quiet after that but _she_ isn't done just yet. "I could have forgiven you for Maya and Paige but then you had to ruin everything and get with her!" She points the bat angrily at the blonde beside me. I let go of Hanna's hand and step in front of her, trying to protect her from the fury of my ex-lover.

* * *

The anger on _her_ face that night is something that will never leave my mind. That was the night that I was finally able to let go her. I realized that the girl standing in front of me was not the girl that I once loved. I may never know if that girl ever truly existed but I didn't care to know anymore.

I didn't hate her as she swung a bat against my side knocking the breath out of me making me crumble to the floor as I gasped for air. My vision blurred for a second as I tried to breathe through the pain, all I could hear was my friends screaming desperately at _her_. I felt pity for her, pity because she would live a miserable life never knowing what love is.

Surprisingly I didn't feel scared because seeing Hanna's face, even when terrified, brought a comforting peace to me. As long as she was safe I didn't care what happened to me. I became distinctly aware of the smell of ashes, of burning.

I screamed at them trying to get their attention, "Hey!" I groaned as the pain returned to my right ribcage. Hanna knees down next to me gently placing my head in her lap.

"Smoke..." I breathe out shakily.

"What?" Hanna asks me in confusion.

"It smells like something is burning." I clarify. It only takes a second before they all realize that the building is burning and we are trapped. Panicked faces start running around desperately trying to find an exit and failing miserably.

All I can do is lay there staring at the beautiful blue eyes of the girl I love.

"It's going to be okay." I try to reassure her.

"I know." She smiles me but I can see the fear in her eyes as the smoke starts to invade the room. "I love you."

"I love you too." I whisper back, faintly aware of a certain pair of brown eyes observing us. She leans down to capture me lips in a short but sweet kiss.

That was the first time we said I love you to each other conveying a feeling beyond friendship.

* * *

Everything after that was a haze. I remember passing out at some point and then waking up outside. Now we had more than A to worry about, we still didn't know who trapped us or who red coat was. _She _didn't know who red coat was and that was something we were all dying to find out but I refused to believe that Allison was still alive.

It seemed to me like I just couldn't escape my past lovers.

The ride back to rosewood was the most awkward moment in my life with Mona sitting in the back of my car. I still couldn't understand why I chose to gave _her_ a ride but in the end it turned out for our favor because she helped us get rid of the video of Mrs. Marin hitting Wilden with her car.

By the end of the night we knew we had dug ourselves into a deeper hole because _A_ was still out there. All hope that things would get better disintegrated but I was thankful I still had Hanna and my friends with me.

_You're mine now. Kisses -A_

* * *

A/N: Thanks to those who read, alerted and favorite. Special thanks to toddlatresa45 and Rushii15 for reviewing.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: If I did, I wouldn't be here.

A/N: All mistakes are mine.

* * *

We trudge into Spencer's living room and eerie silence surrounding us. I sit on the couch with a sigh, wincing immediately at the pain on my side.

"You okay?" Hanna asks me softly and for once the annoyance in her face is gone. I feel everyone's eyes on me, observing me with caution. I look at _her_, surprise to find guilt in her eyes. I turn to look at Hanna who seems tense.

I nod, "Yeah just a little discomfort."

"Go to the bathroom. I'll be up in a bit with an ice pack." I nod my head gently feeling dreadful at her cold behavior. I make my way to the bathroom carefully sitting on the lid trying to hold back a sound of pain.

She walks in handing me a glass of water and two pills which I take immediately. "I know that we have both been with other people but it still pisses me off to know that she touched you that way. I'm not mad at you I'm mad at her. I hate her for hurting you and I hate… I hate that you still feel something for her."

I open my mouth to protest but she cuts me off, "The way you looked at her just right now."

"I wasn't. At least not in the way you are imagining."

She ignores me as she lifts my shirt and brushes her fingers over my bruised ribs just under my breasts. My body shivers in both pain and pleasure at the contact as she gently pulls away.

"Sorry." She whispers. She grabs the ice pack and presses it gently against my skin. I gasp, the cold catching me off guard.

"It's- it's fine." I stutter.

"You should probably lie down to rest." I ignore her advice; a strong urge to fix things between us becomes my priority.

"I… Hanna, I love you and only you. Mona may have been a big part of my life but I don't love her anymore. All those feelings left the moment she betrayed me. If anything, all I feel for her is pity."

I can see she is deep in thought, struggling in what to say or maybe doubting the truth in my words. "I… I don't know if you are trying to convince me or yourself."

I feel hurt at the fact that she didn't say it back and didn't even acknowledge my feelings. With one hand she grabs mine and places it above the ice pack to hold it in place. She gives me a kiss on the cheek before walking out.

That was the first night my heart broke a bit when she didn't say I love you back. That night sleep did not come to me easily, the pain in my ribs accompanied by fear. Fear of A, fear of _her_ and the fear of losing Hanna plagued my mind.

* * *

The next days were rough as Hanna distanced herself from me when all I wanted to do was be with her, hold her and comfort her. I could tell the situation with her mother was stressing her and I feared and inevitable breakdown.

"Look Hanna I know your mom, maybe not as well as you but well enough to know that she is innocent. She doesn't have the eyes of killer." I tell her truthfully in hopes of calming her down a bit.

"You say that like you know how to recognize a good person." She snaps at me.

"What's that suppose to mean?" I ask her feeling hurt.

"Nate. Mona." She states blatantly. I look away, ashamed and hurt. Lately it seems to be the only thing we do, fight.

She looks regretful immediately, "I'm so-"

"It may be true but you know what they say, it takes one to know one and your mom isn't like me." The blood on my hands is something I'll never forget.

The fights became a common occurrence. Her stress level kept rising and so did mine. After saving Mona from A, things became more strained. She became more obsessed with the idea that I felt something for Mona. Mona, who most likely betrayed us again and now we had no clue where the RV was. But what was I supposed to do? I couldn't let her die.

At that point my only problem wasn't just losing my girlfriend but also an injured shoulder.

* * *

"Hey." I greet her and as I lean in to kiss her she turns her head giving me her cheek instead. Hiding the disappointment in the turn of our relationship I decide it's time to confront her. It's frustrating to go on like this when I feel we are worse off than when we were friends.

"Hanna I don't want to be break up with you." I tell her truthfully, I love her dearly but I fear my feelings may no longer be reciprocated.

"But…" She states solemnly waiting for me to continue.

"But I get the feeling that you do. I'm not going to do it; if you want this to end you are going to have to say it. Just know that I love you no matter what decision you take." I voice my fears and give her the option. I refuse to tie her down if it's making her unhappy, even if it hurts me in the process.

"I don't want to break up with you. I love you too Emily."

That was the first time she said I love you back since the night of the fire and I knew that no matter how rough things got she was worth fighting for.

* * *

"Hello Emily. Where's your girlfriend?" Her taunting voice takes away my attention from the warm cup of coffee in my hands.

"It's none of your business." I reply while setting the cup on the table.

"Oh but it is. Think I haven't notice how she is giving you the cold shoulder. I'm pretty sure even a blind Jenna would have noticed." She walks sensually to stand right in front of me.

"What do you want Mona?" I ask her irritated. Things are still a bit tense with Hanna and if she sees us like this all the progress will be ruined.

"I bet you she doesn't make you scream and moan like I did Emily." She leans in and whispers seductively, her breathe tickling my ear and I force my body to relax and not react to her presence. I had almost forgotten how sensual she could be. I hate how my body still reacts to her. I push her away and stand up, refusing to play her game but she only pushes me back on the couch and leans in closer.

"If you ever need some company-"

"Get your hands of my girl you dirty whore!" Hanna shouts as soon as she enters the brew garnering attention from the other customers and employees. Mona responds by distancing herself and holding her hands up in surrender but the smirk on her face betrays her intentions.

Before I can respond to defend myself Hanna grabs me by the hand and leads me out of the café. I turn back to look at Mona, a frown marring her features.

"Who the hell does she think she is?" She shouts as soon as we enter her room. Despite the anger radiating off of her I feel joy at the fact that she is jealous, it means she cares about me. "First Caleb and now you."

"This is about Caleb?" I ask surprised and disappointed. "Do you still miss him?"

"No." She states firmly, her body language calmer but a fiery look in her eyes. "This is about what's mine and I don't ever want to see her again especially near you."

Before I can respond she crashes her lips into mine. It's possessive and rough, all her anger and stress fueling her movements. That was the first time we completely gave in to our desires. It wasn't slow or soft, it was hard and needy. But it was passionate; it was what we both needed.

Afterwards as we lay together, skin bare and tangled in sheets, I replay her words in my head.

"I thought you said I don't belong to anyone." I tease her.

She blushes at the comment before replying, "I'm sorry and your right… it's just that whenever I see her near you my blood boils and I can't help it."

"You have nothing to worry about. You told me that I was free to love whoever I wanted." I smile at her before leaning in to capture her lips in a kiss. "And I choose you."

After that moment our relationship started to mend, it became less tense and she started to trust me more. It also helped that Mona seemed to disappear after that.

* * *

But it seemed my worries had no end.

I had to swim but my shoulder was still bruised and unwilling to cooperate. I needed the pain to stop. I needed to swim.

Hydrocodone seemed to be my solution. It made the pain bearable but it clouded my mind. I knew I shouldn't have taken those pills but swimming meant so much to me, it defined me. I couldn't let it go. It turned out to be a stupid idea to swim under those conditions especially after I crashed head first into the side of the pool.

"What were you thinking?" She asks me frustrated but I can see the worry in her eyes.

I take a deep breath not wanting to do this again. My mom is still angry that I took her pills. "I was thinking that I was in a lot of pain. I wasn't drugging myself for the heck of it."

Her eyes soften a bit at the confession. "Yes but you know how dangerous that is. You could have died." She whispers the last part and at that moment I realize how much I probably scared her. How dangerous it is for me to be taking a medicine that wasn't prescribed for me.

But at that moment all I could think was about the race. "I need a scholarship but now… I don't know what to do."

"It's going to be okay Em." She tries to reassure me.

"You don't know that. A sent child services on my parents, I might not swim again and what school is going to want me." I sigh at my now uncertain future.

"Swimming doesn't define you. It's something you do but it is not you. Any school would be lucky to have you and I'm sure your parents will be fine."

Though the intent of her words is to calm me they do not help much when I know that she is saying this because she is my girlfriend. "I hope so."

* * *

But hoping is never enough especially when A is involved. It seemed that more and more details were pointing towards Mrs. Marin as Wilden's murderer and Hanna was determined to find out the truth and help her mom.

I should have been paying more attention to Hanna. We should have tried to help her and calm her down but I was lost in my own problems and Spencer was obsessed with finding answers. If only we had, she wouldn't have been caught trying to bury a weapon.

We all had too much going on. We didn't trust each other and this time A wasn't completely to blame. Mona came back with answers, answers that condemned Toby for the loss of the RV and all of its contents and Spencer who knew, kept it a secret this whole time. We weren't united; we were keeping things from each other by personal choice.

I had lost my spot on the swimming team but I didn't care so much at this point. Not when I could see that Hanna's world was shattering right before her eyes and there was absolutely nothing I could do. But I had to think of something.

When I finally came with a plan that would bring more suspects to the case it all backfired on me. It ended with me being question on a video that looked like I did something. But I wasn't going to let A stop me and I stole a key that ended up costing my mother her job. The stress was tearing me down but I needed to fight for something. I needed to be useful somehow.

What I didn't expect was for A to get revenge by crashing a car into my house. It scared me too pieces that I almost lost my mother.

* * *

Living in a motel was not so bad. What is bad is living with the guilt of all the problems you have caused your parents.

With the help of Mr. Fitz I had found a way to make myself more interesting to Colleges and now I was considering a trip to Nicaragua. The only doubts I had was leaving a torn Hanna behind and my distressed mother. Watching a parent cry in front of you is one of the most horrible experiences, trying to comfort them but feeling useless in the process

My nerves were on the edge and when I saw Hanna chatting with her like if they were still friends my worry increased.

"What's she doing here?" I ask Hanna as I glare at the brunette across from her.

"Well hello to you too." She greets me sarcastically, a smirk on her face.

"She's keeping me company." Hanna replies like it's a common occurrence.

But I can feel it in my skin that there is more than that going on here. "You told me you never wanted to see her again."

She hesitates for a second, "Yes but she also helped me with the video on Wilden's car."

Her moment of hesitation gives her away and I know she is not as comfortable with her ex-friend as she pretends to be. "Yes but you also forget she has betrayed us. What's not to say she won't do it again?"

It surprises me that she is tolerating her presence considering we both know just how traitorous Mona can be.

"We're just talking." She says calmly.

I knew she was lying. There was panic in her eyes and I knew she was going to do something stupid, something Mona knew and they didn't want me to find out.

Finally agitated with my presence she responds. "Look, I'm okay so can you please leave me alone." She notices my hurt expression and quickly adds, "For now."

"Fine." I mutter angrily as I leave through the back door.

I couldn't leave her like this though so I stayed outside. I waited until Mona left, snuck back inside and waited for Hanna to come down just like I expected her too.

"Where do you think you are going?" I ask her before her hand can even reach the door knob.

It didn't take much persuasion for her to tell me everything and I couldn't help but get the feeling that this was all planned by Mona to try and separate us.

"You have to have faith." I tell her.

"Faith isn't enough Emily!" She shouts exasperated.

"Well, I'm not going to let you do this. We both know that your mom didn't do it and I promised her I was going to protect you from doing something stupid. We'll find the real killer."

Shortly after I said that, we both received a message. Mona had confessed to Killing Wilden. She helped Hanna in the one way I couldn't. I felt troubled, nervous. I could not understand why she had confessed to something she didn't do. I couldn't understand why she would help Hanna. We still hadn't found the killer. If anything Mona was innocent of this act for she had been with us the night of the fire, stuck in burning building. The relief that she have come from this action was tainted with a feeling remorse, but why, I didn't know.

Our lives were composed of lies and the truth was something we could not prove. But we were not going to give up.

* * *

A/N: Thanks to everyone who read, alerted and favorite. Special thanks to silent12reader, LeeLeeRm, LazyWriterGirl, beccah21 and SkellingtonJack for reviewing.


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